How do we recognise children who are flourishing with their family and also out in the wider world? First of all they only cry as babies when they have a real reason – tired, hungry, thirsty, under the weather, etc. Their parents don’t pose as parents in name only, they always approach their babies in a loving respectful way. Frequently those flourishing babies’ families have an extended family or close dependable friends in their lives too.
However, the biggest factor in the families of children who flourish is…warmth! It’s a chicken and egg thing, the children are treated warmly by everyone because it is so easy and happy to be around them…because they are being brought up in a warm environment. As teenagers and adults they are also much more caring about those around them, both family and friends. They are frequently the leaders in a group and are by the same token not afraid to stand alone because of their beliefs. They show strength of character at a very young age.
Let’s get a little more specific. I’ve done two studies. One contains 28 children from 14 families, the other contains 20 children from 7 families.
The ratio of boys to girls is about equal in each study, which is interesting because most autism studies find there is a preponderance of boys on the spectrum, I’m not sure about other types of developmental delays. However, the ratio of families with children who flourish is only half that of those families where one or more children isn’t flourishing.
In the households where one child has flourished, subsequent children have too. Other common factors in the families of children who flourish, as well as warmth of care, are: authoritative parenting and great communication between all adults involved and their children. In my experience those households are also hospitable to all children – they are ‘family friendly’.
Toys are a natural part of any healthy household but should not be the ‘be all and end all’ of children’s lives. Families are organised; there is a balance, an order, to life. Healthy and emotionally well-balanced children grow up to be more sociable towards family and friends and treat new people they meet in a friendly fashion. Their families are often more physically active than those with children who aren’t flourishing and the children are frequently involved in outdoor activities with their parents and friends.
When a babysitter cares for children who are flourishing both parents speak clearly to their chidren before leaving, they reassure them that they are in good hands. Such parents also don’t hire people to care for their children who they themselves don’t like or trust, and the parents show respect to the babysitters. They are leading their family by example.
It is clear when dealing with the families of children who flourish that their parents know them very well – not just in the words they use but in their everyday demeanour.
It is exciting to see children who are flourishing!
As I said at the beginning of this post, I’ve studied more than 20 families and almost 50 children over a period of 30+ years, and there are marked differences in the delivery of care to the children who flourish, which assures neurotypical development in all realms.
The same factors in each family ensure that its babies and young children thrive.
Likewise those who aren’t flourishing have common family dynamics – for another post, or you can read many of my earlier posts!