As adults we usually show a range of emotions. Having said that I realise that for most of my life I didn’t show a large range of emotions! But of course as we get older, and hopefully reflect on our own upbringing and its effect on our development, we should realise where some of our emotional quirks come from!
I now understand the benefits of moving far away (4000 miles) from my family and my quite traditional English upbringing. It has given me a chance to find out who I really am and what makes me tick; not without many trials and tribulations of being very foreign living for 39 years in America!
So how do we learn the range of emotions to become a wholesome human being? What separates a person with a full range of emotions at their disposal from those who show little or none, or even go to emotional extremes, like those with autism or other related developmental delays, or even individuals whose emotions are crippled by their childhood or early adult experiences?
I have decided recently to revert to my blink impression of adults I meet. I was very outspoken before I was 5 years old but of course growing up in England what I now call my ‘clarity of thought and observation’ was promptly squashed! Deemed impolite. Those thoughts are still mostly underground sixty years later, which is probably why this blog is my most useful personal tool – whether or not I have many followers!
Such memories have come to the fore with correspondence in the early part of this year from a fellow student from my primary (elementary) school era who also turned up many photos of us together from that time. He is the only person to ever confirm that one particular teacher ‘disproportionately picked on me’ in the year I was about 12 years old (we had both transferred to another school at 11, typical for an English education). I remember well being profoundly uncomfortable around that teacher but had no recourse through family or school.
Such treatment apparently had a profound effect on my fellow student, especially the fact that he could do nothing about it – he even named one of his daughters after me! All these years and I never knew how big his heart was! But it’s wonderful, life-affirming news to receive.
Which gets me to how we treat tiny babies and young children. I have a question in my mind about people who are very ‘gushy’ with babies and yet have no apparent warmth towards their colleagues. The same individuals can be angry, mean and absolutely horrible to 2 year-olds whose behaviour they can’t control! I should note that the two people I’m thinking of have absolutely no child raising experience, teaching experience, in fact no skills at all with young children!
So where do our emotions ‘go’? How is it that we have no range of emotions as adults and then we observe the next generation having the same lack?
It all stems from our childhood. As a first time mother I was initially very much the same rigid unemotional mother that my mother seemed to be. I thought that was how one behaved, it never occurred to me until more recent years that my mother had had certain tragic experiences in her early 20’s during WWII that profoundly affected and stunted many of her emotions when she had me 5 years or so later.
I’ve come to know life can be otherwise. It doesn’t mean that our children aren’t loved but I don’t think our oldest son was initially shown how beloved he was in a cheerful and passionate enough way, with enough emotion. I hope he disagrees!
Adults missing that feeling of being truly beloved (not simply “I love my baby, I miss him so muchâ€) from infancy usually show it each day. The façade of caring that those adults present to their children is usually well ‘over the top’, is unstable (by which I mean it’s not consistent) and can turn to the reverse emotion at any moment and that turn cannot be predicted by those around them! How do you think a baby feels when he is treated or cared for in such an unpredictable way day after day?
He ends up feeling very confused about his world. Even otherwise happy children become moody and emotional by age 3 when there is sudden emotional turmoil in their family life – like sitting in the middle of an unexpected, acrimonious divorce (what young child can anticipate all that his parents’ divorce entails?).
I am starting to think that seizures in young children are another consequence of an emotionally confused childhood.
A lack of a range of appropriate emotions seems a prevalent ‘disease’ in the under 3’s. Shouldn’t they seem happy most of the time? Shouldn’t they simply cry when life isn’t going well or they really hurt themselves and then be easily soothed by a loving carer or parent?
It doesn’t seem to happen. In my experience most 3’s and under are angry – some one year-old babies wail or scream to get what they want, some are virtually struck dumb, and what seem to be a very rare few, at under a year of age, have a range of emotions and are thus easier to read, teach and assist – for me at least.
Anger prevails in the 3’s and 4’s mostly due to spending vast amounts of time watching DVD’s (frequently depicting some sort of violence!) of movies, cartoons, etc. instead of interacting with their parents, family and friends, teachers and playing outside. They aren’t making human and natural connections in their daily lives.
All this doesn’t bode well for future generations.
I now understand my own lack of emotions plus emotions sometimes being out of control when bringing up my oldest son for his first three years – he reflects the same complex mixture of emotions thirty years later. When his brother was born I feel I was more human and confident in myself and he reflects that greater balance of emotions. Both are thankfully extremely kind people so I don’t think I got too much wrong!
My late father, the third child and only surviving son of then older parents, was beloved by his family growing up, highly respected by all those he met in his working life, and is greatly missed by us all for his emotional stability. He was always available to listen and help us. He seemed to be well balanced for most of his life and had only seriously lost his temper on a very few occasions and for very good reasons, well before my brother and I were born. He wasn’t an angry or unpredictable man.
There is a time and place for warmth, happiness and humour – just about the only emotions a baby needs to see.
Gradually we adults can incorporate a serious face towards the end of the first year of life. But the balance for discipline needs to be so full of genuine kindness and love that it alone is the only tool needed to steer young children in the next 4 years – and then the foundation is in place for a solid future of cooperative behaviour and learning well.
Passive, baby-pleasing parenting, coupled with frequent anger towards one’s child, spouse, work, family etc. doesn’t make for an emotionally stable child, ready to learn.
We parents and caregivers are so responsible for how a child learns from their earliest days – understanding ourselves and our emotions well allows us to teach at the highest level from day one.