How do you explain to a mother that there’s a happier way to greet her daughter at the end of the day? How do you explain that her daughter has ‘fallen in love’ with a piece of music with video, that I play…every day…and that her daughter now ‘requests’ what I call “the pretty music” just by searching in my bag for my phone? How do you explain how calmly and peacefully her daughter lays across my legs to listen to ‘her’ favourite song, slightly swaying her body and occasionally ‘singing along’? How do you explain that because that music is in four part harmony, voices only, there may be something in the little girl’s brain that is attracted to, fascinated by, that combination of sounds, or perhaps just that one song – and she’s only 15 months old!
We don’t yet know if she’s musical (although we know she loves music), or has perfect pitch, or has one of millions of other possible abilities, strengths and attributes which will stand her in good stead as she grows up and (hopefully) develops her passions in life. But it is critical that we carers recognize her burgeoning abilities in all facets of her daily understanding and communication. (Sad to say I’m the only experienced intuitive carer right now)
Here’s my other problem. I believe her mother is self-centred – she whines a lot when she picks up her daughter and cannot seem to grasp the need for a calmer and happier transition time at the end of the day. Meaning, she can’t put her daughter’s emotions before her own needs.
“Give me my hug†or “I need my hug†are her ‘commands’ to her 15 month old at the end of the day. The mother doesn’t seem able to wait for her daughter to come to her or to allow her daughter to say goodbye to her carers — whom she loves, by the way.
And she’s not the only mother who acts that way!
Parents (mothers and fathers) mostly don’t accept that their children form strong bonds with their carers. I don’t think they even think about what happens to their child in the 10-hour day their child spends with us.
The attachments young children form, to parents and carers, can be healthy or otherwise – I’ve seen both and more frequently see unhealthy attachments to parents and carers resulting in severe emotional and behavioural problems. Not forgetting the litany of possible developmental delays I foresee in that child’s future.
When the attachment to a carer is healthy it is because the child has a very strong and healthy attachment to their mother AND the mother also values and respects their child’s healthy attachment to the carer.
The whole relationship is mutual and all parties to those caring relationships understand their own pieces of the puzzle. Their mutual primary focus is the health and neurotypical development of the child.
Let’s respect every child the way we should.
Why is it so hard to explain respect?
It was Magda Gerber’s (RIE) rule of thumb for caring for young children and I know it works. But sadly I now also recognise that her method only works if we have experienced respect throughout our own lives and show it in everything we do with every person, with every child.
Respect can’t be explained.