It just seems to me that those peo­ple who are the most resilient in life have some­how had good sol­id under­pin­nings from birth onwards. I can real­ly start with my own fam­i­ly. I see my adult chil­dren as very resilient and I feel cer­tain that the start we gave them enabled them to have a strong foun­da­tion of resilience when under duress, along with a mul­ti­tude of oth­er strengths. My father had the same qual­i­ties despite los­ing his father when he had bare­ly start­ed his own adult life.

In the same way I now under­stand that it was my own child­hood in Eng­land that has giv­en me the strength to sur­vive the adver­si­ty of the past 38 years liv­ing in Amer­i­ca! Despite the fail­ings I now see from my ear­ly years, large­ly a result of the edu­ca­tion sys­tem I was part of from age 4 and the lack of parental involve­ment which was accept­ed at that time, I seem to have a resilience that many oth­ers don’t have.

When I get to know peo­ple who are either resilient under duress or who seem to spi­ral down­wards in a state of depres­sion at the least lit­tle glitch in life, the pat­tern becomes very clear to me.

Those who aren’t resilient didn’t have the sol­id fam­i­ly under­pin­nings I realise I was for­tu­nate to have. They have just mud­dled along, prob­a­bly always search­ing for some­thing sol­id in life. Many have already tried drugs, alco­hol, even mul­ti­ple spous­es in some cas­es! Most of them think a spouse will fix some­thing; women feel that at least being mar­ried will give them the feel­ing of belong­ing as their large and dys­func­tion­al fam­i­ly gath­ers for the wed­ding ‘festivities’ (usu­al­ly a mir­ror image of what­ev­er they’ve seen on TV!). Then of course ‘a baby’ becomes their next goal to ‘fix’ their life; and on it goes.

Those with resilient per­son­al­i­ties over­come enor­mous odds in bring up their chil­dren alone or sur­viv­ing longer than expect­ed with life threat­en­ing con­di­tions. With the strength of my sons I have enabled my less resilient hus­band to sur­vive against all odds.

Unless indi­vid­u­als recog­nise the miss­ing under­pin­nings in their own lives they won’t be able to equip the next gen­er­a­tion to be func­tion­al and resilient mem­bers of society.

I’ve read about ‘filling up a baby’ with love and kind­ness and I real­ly believe it works. All the non-resilient peo­ple I’ve met nev­er had that ben­e­fit in life and they can­not fill up their babies or spous­es, nor of course them­selves. They sim­ply have nev­er learned a healthy way to care for them­selves or those they pro­fess to love.

I’m now start­ing to ‘flag’ the melo­dra­mat­ic peo­ple I meet – usu­al­ly par­ents of chil­dren I care for, some­times friends, acquain­tances or col­leagues. They reflect a life of melo­dra­ma! I doubt they will recov­er from the melo­dra­ma of their ear­ly years.

Unless, as par­ents and car­ers, we can fill up babies and tod­dlers with lov­ing care they will not be resilient in school or in their adult lives.

We are actu­al­ly cre­at­ing a crip­pled soci­ety just like some mem­bers of the gen­er­a­tion that came before. When will we learn?

What’s your per­son­al­i­ty? Resilient or dra­ma queen/king?