This phrase comes to my mind almost every day, with my own family and with the families of the children I know and I care for.
The father of the little girl who came to my house virtually 5 days a week until she was 4 years old, told me, very casually, years ago “isn’t that what parents do?†He was referring to his responsibility towards his two daughters and his family.
It just so happens he is English too and was born, as I was, in the south eastern part of England the same year as me. We were both about as successful at school as the other (not very), both immigrants to this country in our 20’s, who have gone on to build a home and family, found satisfying work, colleagues and friends, and now find the relationship between our families has gone from acquaintances to caregiver for a child to a friendship of nearly 18 years.
But the most remarkable thing about the common factors between us is that both we and our families understand our responsibilities towards our children and family life. This was reflected in the quiet thank you I heard from his youngest daughter, for whom I cared, to him on the day of her graduation from high school. She whispered in his ear “Thanks Dad, thanks for the money and the car†and then she left the family celebration to join her friends.
First of all she thanked her father, secondly the car was the hand-me-down one her sister had driven for most of her college years – nothing grand. But she thoughtfully and quietly thanked her father for his efforts – how appreciative he must have been. He wasn’t doing anything more than he thought was his responsibility.
Compare that to the mother of a 1 year old I know and care for in a group daycare. He lives on the premises with his mother, the business owner. He frequently seems tearful – just thinking about the caregiving chaos of his first year gives me the shivers!!!
For some reason (parental priority?) there never seems to be enough baby food or real food in the house for him. And yet the other day his mother returned from ‘an errand’ with several bags from the ‘Lucky’ store – for those who read this blog, since your priorities will be much like mine (!), you may not know that Lucky jeans used to start at about $100!!
In the same facility a 3+ year old child with obvious yet undiagnosed speech and communication delays (his parents said they couldn’t get him to a speech therapist before August!!) was spending his last day before transferring to another school.
It’s bad enough that his teacher discovered he thought everyone from our school (including his beloved ‘my happy baby’ – his favourite baby) would be going with him to his new school, but to top off his day his father dropped him off (usually it’s his mother) and said “see you in a couple of days, remember that …… will be picking you upâ€!!!!!!
We were all mortified for him. His parents were going away for the weekend on his last day at his first beloved school. The wonderful scrapbook his teacher had thoughtfully made for him wouldn’t be read with him as soon as he got home, he would have to wait three days!
His teacher and I tried to make his departure eventful in a cheerful way but both felt exceedingly sad.
So tell me which child you’d rather be? The one whose father and mother really care about you, foster your warm relationship with your loving caregiver or the baby who ‘lives’ (exists?) in a very much more expensive house (NOT a home) without food but with a mother who buys for herself from expensive stores or the child whose parents are totally insensitive?
Most of you will also instantly tell me which of these three children is/was frequently sad or crying.
It’s their priorities, stupid!