Last night I was distressed to find myself even contemplating such a thought.
Most of my friendships date back either to the earliest days of my childhood or virtually every aspect, age, age group and stage of my life in between. Some of my friends were older and wonderfully loyal to me, as I was to them, then with their advancing age came their passing. I think those friendships, some even penfriendships, have spoiled me.
Why does it feel so bad to think that a new friendship (of 4 years) with someone only 10 years younger than me may not be so healthy and mutual for me? Especially after so many years of true friendships with people of all ages.
It has taken me a long time to discover that ‘friendships’ can come in degrees and some may not be salvageable.
Perhaps I should go back to my phrase ‘intimate acquaintances’, which I’ve always felt has typified what many people in the US often confuse as ‘friendship’. Such relationships are often fleeting, especially for families and people who move around the country during their career years and never actually settle in one place for very long.
I suppose the thing that defines true friendship to me is the dependability upon each other at our time of greatest need and the support and love we, who are parents, give to each other’s children. That is definitely how I determine my friendships. It is also a thread that runs through my family — probably where I learned it.
My father only had one true and good friend in his adult life although he was always with a crowd in his youth and very well liked at work and around family and family friends. When that true friend was reported simply as ‘in hospital’ my father drove to every hospital in the town to find him. He did, and it was just as well because that was the last time they met.
Perhaps it was losing his own father when he was in his early 20’s and then his best friend when they were in their 30’s, that caused my father to be more self sufficient for the rest of his life. I like to think that he was so self sufficient and accepting of himself that he didn’t ‘need’ any more friendships in his life.
I know he was a beloved and respected son, brother, uncle, husband, son-in-law, father and grandfather. How fortunate can one person be? Friends, colleagues and relatives alike spoke so highly of him at his funeral; dying suddenly when he was only 68.
His smiling face looks down upon me from my favourite photo of him as I write each day. His qualities and values have sustained my brother and me, and our children too (even the three who never knew him), in the 25 years since that picture was taken, perhaps a year before he died.
I have recently written a biography of his life for the historical society to which he dedicated the few retirement years he had.
Did he have friendships within that group? I think he knew a lot of people but was satisfied with the fullness of his life. At that point he’d acquired a son-in-law and two young grandsons. He didn’t dote on his grandsons, like many modern grandparents, but he certainly went out of his way in his inimitable kindly fashion to make the time they spent together extremely special and appropriate to their ages (6 and 3 years old).
He had a new daughter-in-law with a family that included Mum and Dad in all family gatherings, making life interesting. He travelled with my mother, spent more hours than many using his years of expertise making sure the remodelled historical society’s building would be in keeping with its history and surroundings and, most of all, he retained his lifelong love of sailing.
He made his own life full but he did it while still caring for his family, his community and himself in equal or balanced parts it seemed.
Perhaps the time has come for me to do the same. Refocus my priorities and be satisfied with the people I’ve known, loved and lost, but most especially those who are around me and enrich my life right now.
I sort of feel that you can’t have any form of relationship without it being a two way street. That doesn’t mean that another person has to ‘give’ to you, but you do have to feel that you are actually making a worthwhile contribution to the life of another and that they appreciate it.
We all need to feel valued. Perhaps it is time for me to place a greater value on myself and the friends and family I already have than on some sort of nebulous ‘intimate acquaintanceship’ that is simply fired by loneliness.