The next 26:
27. Never be aware of noises that startle your infant/toddler/child.
28. Never do anything about noises that startle.
29. Be impulsive for your own needs, never your child’s.
30. Always satisfy your needs and guilt before your child’s needs.
31. Spend as much time away from your child as possible; be it for work, the spa or weekends away.
32. Never ensure that your house is clean and filled with plentiful foods for your children at the beginning of your workweek.
33. Do not do a double check on the functionality of ‘tools’, like pushchairs (strollers) or bicycles, needed by your child and the caregiver.
34. Never make it your job to double check on the safety or appropriateness of a child’s bike i.e. do pedals fall off, is the seat straight or low enough for child to ride, are training wheels aligned for safety?
35. Never think about how much time you don’t spend one-on-one with your children.
36. Always have ‘experts’ attend to your child’s special needs, never attempt to learn what you can do for your child.
37. Never be willing to learn how to change your own ways and habits to make life better for your child and easier on your family.
38. Combine your fitness regime with your child’s by leaving them at the gym nursery while you work out — make sure that they cry when you leave them in the care of the stranger who runs the gym nursery.
39. Have plenty of junk food and snacks around and, when you are home, allow your children frequent snacks no matter which meal is imminent.
40. Let your children go to bed late and sleep late in the morning, for your convenience only.
41. Refuse to let your child nap for long periods, even when s/he is exhausted, if it doesn’t suit your purposes.
42. Don’t keep a regular schedule for meals.
43. Never take a child to visit a pre-school or introduce them to a new caregiver prior to the day they will start in the new situation.
44. Never keep your house well lit by sunlight or artificial light.
45. Keep all your children’s toys in their bedrooms.
46. Do not allow toys to be around family areas, if they are please make sure they are well hidden in ‘toy boxes’ that look like pieces of furniture.
47. Never gather up sets of blocks or pieces of puzzles and keep each set of pieces in one container with the relevant board or instructions – if you do that your child might eventually play with them and actually use them purposefully or maybe even enjoy sharing them with a sibling!
48. Don’t leave spare diapers and wipes visible to the caregiver when you go out.
49. Push or pull your toddler in a wagon when you go for a walk.
50. Make sure your infant ‘cries it out’ every day.
51. Keep the volume so low on the TV that no one can hear it, least of all your child, that way your child must learn to speak just from ‘lip reading’ puppets and cartoon characters.
52. Always speak to your child in the ‘perfect mother/teacher’ monotone, wooden, emotionless voice.
The list goes on.