These terms are much in use these days. In a recent discussion with a friend we mentioned ‘at home mothers’. The phrase implies that the mother is not only ‘at home’ but that she is spending much of her time interacting with her child/ren.
Likewise with the word ‘nanny’; commonly bandied about to describe the person who comes to your home to care for your child/ren; usually used boastfully as in “My nanny is the best†etc. It’s ‘nanny’ with a small ‘n’ since ‘Nanny’ with a capital ‘N’ is a qualified person – there is no US qualification to be a ‘Nanny’.
Perhaps we should have ‘mother’ with a small ‘m’ and ‘Mother’ with a capital ‘M’. Those with a small ‘m’ are probably those who gave birth either naturally or by planned C‑section or they adopted. It is unlikely in this day and age that they nursed their children or if they did it would not be for an extended period of time – 6 months or more.
Those with a capital ‘M’ are those I would probably consider very good at ‘Mothering’. ‘Mothering’ is an art form I’ve come to recognize. Some do it naturally from the beginning, others, like me, learn on the job and are thankful for the opportunity to do so. I consider myself to have had the ultimate choices when it comes to women’s liberation. I have absolutely been able to choose the life I love and grow and learn from it.
My friends include those I consider experts at ‘Mothering’ – those mothers are in all age groups — their children may be theirs by birth, by fostering or by adoption – some are single mothers. Some of my friends never wanted to be mothers and are happy with their lives without children – they may have made the wisest choice of all – for them.
‘Mother’ and ‘Mothering’ need capital ‘M’s. Some of these women in their 20’s,30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and 80’s are ‘Mothers’ in the best sense of word. The products of their life’s work are exceptional children from infants on up. They and their children are a wide mixture of cultures including Asian Indians, Swedish, British, American or sometimes a combination thereof.
Those who chose not to be mothers at all are often very good at nurturing little things – like plants for instance! An old friend of mine always has a myriad of seedling plants in her greenhouse, they grow healthy with her TLC and then she can set them free to other gardeners — just as we ought to be able to do with healthy children.
There are ‘mothers’ (there’s that small ‘m’) who are just adequate or in some cases inadequate. Their children – mostly by birth – aren’t developing so well. It doesn’t mean the mothers are bad people. They probably weren’t ‘Mothered’ themselves or they’ve got caught up in the pseudo women’s liberation world of ‘freedom to go out to work’ or ‘I’m an at home mother’. True women’s liberation is to do the work you love, free from being demeaned by the world for your choice of lifestyle.
The children of ‘mothers’ (small ‘m’) are probably better off being raised by other caregivers. I am very concerned about the many infants and young children who aren’t developing normally, usually lacking in the appropriate speech, communication and cognitive skills, socially very anxious and generally hard for their ‘mothers’ to manage. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the ‘mother’ works or is at home all the time.
When in the care of a ‘Mother’ (capital ‘M’) or ‘Nanny’ (capital ‘N’) figure such children seldom have behaviour or speech problems and soon show signs of improvement in their development.
If the prevalence of autism spectrum disorder is now at 1:150 that means that 149 of those 150 children are doing very well. What is the thing that makes the difference, whether or not they are the children of at home mothers or working mothers?
A ‘Nanny’ has a British qualification; as I said, there is no such qualification in the US. I am a British teacher who has chosen to specialize in teaching infants and children under age 5 years. I am not a ‘Nanny’ since I do not have the qualification.
But a true ‘Nanny’ of an infant is unlikely to raise that child to age 2+ and not have the child talking and developing at a normal rate. On the other hand I have known of twins raised by a ‘nanny’ (small ‘n’) who show developmental delays in at least speech and social areas.
I helped raise the younger sibling of an undiagnosed developmentally delayed child (we first met when she was 15 months old, to my horror nervous and uttering no sounds, and she made excellent progress in the 3+ years I cared for her and her younger sister together). I made a concerted effort to ensure that the second child didn’t have the delays of the first based on my theories. The only delays I now see in the second child aren’t based on social or cognitive development but are based on family neglect of the child’s speech patterns.
Numerous members of the family claim they can’t understand a word she’s saying and yet I can communicate with her very well even after we are many months apart. She has excellent brain function and yet no member of her family is fostering her speech or brain development. She will never be diagnosed as developmentally delayed because she isn’t but her ‘mother’ (small ‘m’) and other family members profoundly mentally neglect her. That ‘mother’ has gone from full time ‘working mother’ to ‘at home mother’ and none of her techniques have changed. Her children now only make progress when in a school setting.
As an aside, virtually the last words said to me by the older of the two girls before the family moved out of town was “Will you be my Mommy?â€!! I was shocked and of course immediately said “No, you have a lovely Mommy†and launched into how much she was loved & etc., which just caused the child to sob and sob in so much pain.
She just knew she didn’t have a ‘Mother’ (capital ‘M’)!! The little one at age 3 said “I’m never going to see you again†– such perception on both their parts.
Just as La Leche League has a publication called “The Womanly Art of Breastfeedingâ€, now in its umpteenth printing, I think perhaps we are ready for “The Womanly Art of Mothering†and/or “The Womanly Art of Nannyingâ€.
There is much for the ‘mothers’ and ‘nannies’ in this world to learn from ‘Mothers’ and ‘Nannies’. You only need to ask us for some of our trade secrets!
Those trade secrets are actually not very secret but I think we do hold the secret to breaking the spell of the current increase in a myriad of developmental delays.
Give a ‘Mother’ a call.