As ever, I am trying to sort out my life and my possessions. Tedious. Because each time I try to sort through my ‘stuff’ various ongoing relics of trauma cause me to relive those traumas even 7+ years later. I’m pooped.
I have reached a very demanding stage of life, especially since I had my children in my 30’s. There have been no middle years for me to enjoy.
My mother is now nearly 88 years old and lives in England. I know that if I visit her she will enjoy the company and days out. She is very fit and independent; I really have a hard time keeping up with her pace! But I will be fitter when I return home.
My husband has been totally disabled for nearly 8 years. I am thankful for how far he’s come but I am still responsible for everything that happens in our lives, including monitoring his well being.
In reorganizing my ‘stuff’ I come upon little pearls of wisdom (notes to myself on scraps of paper!). Here are a couple as food for thought.
1. Has anyone thought of ‘time in’ instead of ‘time out?
‘Time in’ is time for hugs and warmth – the exact opposite of ‘time out’!
I believe if we determined that when our instincts or impulses suggest putting our children in ‘time out’ we did just the opposite, many of our problems with our children would be solved.
As a point of interest our family never had ‘time outs’ or ‘the naughty chair’. I seldom use either with the children I care for. I occasionally make them sit near me and I busy myself with something else (even washing dishes) while they count to 100 – I count along with them cajoling them all the way!
At the end they’ve had time to regroup their bodies and minds without feeling you’ve been very hateful towards them and as a byproduct they end up being able to count to 100!!
Once our children reached their teenage years they did ask for a ‘family meeting’ to discuss our differences! I think that idea was instigated by our youngest son before he reached his teenage years: “I think we need a family meetingâ€!
2. If you are the primary caregiver for your child – in other words a totally at home mother (not one working on the computer or phone at home. You may be the only one in the house but you aren’t mothering your children if you are preoccupied with work) – the following list should enable you to maintain a stable household.
If your child is misbehaving and you can’t work out what’s wrong (or maybe even choose to believe that there’s nothing you can do) please ask yourself these five things (one or more is an indication of what you can do to stabilize your child’s behavior):-
Is he or she:
Tired
Hungry
Thirsty
Too much sugar or junk food
Too much time in front of the ‘TV’ — one hour could be too much, in some cases even less (any screen — be it educational videos, regular children’s TV, movies or video games).
These are all issues of parental responsibility. If you end up being one jump ahead of all the things on the list your child will be much easier to care for and you will have happier times together.
If you are a working mother then you must add to this list the following:
New caregiver/s (any time there are multiple caregivers children have issues – don’t forget putting your child into the nursery at your neighborhood gym – always an issue for young children; leaving your child at a strange house for the first time).
New visitors to your home who expect your child to be friendly towards them. Without adequate preparation for their visit – such as sharing photos and recollections of the last time you met – your child will be discombobulated for a while.
Back to reorganizing my ‘stuff’ – perhaps I’ll have more pearls to share next week.